A to Z,  Experiences

Mental health is a struggle

A lot has happened in my life, and a lot is happening in my life at the moment.
Well kind of.
The man in my life @brownbunbun

I’m not ashamed to say that I have some mental health problems, it’s not a secret, but it is personal, so if someone asks I’m gonna tell the truth, and I’m not gonna hide who I am.

Right now I’m working on being better to myself, being better to choose myself, and do what I want and need. I’m working on my mental health, which is and has been crap for years now.

I have not gotten the help that I needed, but now I’m on the road to somewhere.
I’m not anywhere near the end, but I think I’m finally on the right path.

I have for a lot of years not gotten help when I asked for it, or gotten the wrong kind of help, because I have problems describing what the problems are (I still can’t describe it, because I don’t know).

Therefore doctors have been quick to say “you have depression, here are some pills”, and then I have taken the pills and they have given me some kind of false improvement for a short while.

(I have one time gone to the doctor told him something was wrong, and within 5 min he told me to go pick up antidepressants, and I have been like are we not supposed to talk about this).

Then things have gotten very bad again, and I have ignored it or asked for help and not gotten the right kind of help again. Like being sent to meetings for depression and anxiety twice and I don’t fit in under any of those.
Because that is not my primary problem.

But now I finally feel like I am being taken seriously, and not just put on drugs and left alone.

I’m talking to people in the mental health system and being sent to talk to different people, to figure out what and why I’m having problems with just fitting into the world, and making everyday work.

Because at the moment I can not take care of a 37-hour job, I can not get up and be social every day. somedays I don’t even get out, but I’m on the way to figure out if this can change and who I am and what I will be able to do in the future.

The questions I’m working on getting answers to are:

  • Do I have a personality disorder? Which one?
  • Am I gonna get better/ is it going to go away?
  • Am I gonna be able to get a part-time job, full-time job/ or will I need help?
  • Am I gonna need help with my mental health, for the rest of my life?
  • Do I need meds?
Because at the moment I’m not doing much

I’m going to the meetings I need to and “work” in Rema 1000, 7 hours a week and that is a lot for me at this point. I have started to listen to my body, I’m aware of how much I put into my calendar.

I have started from scratch, at this moment and going forward I’m taking care of me, and only me, that is all I can right now.

This means I’m only going to do things that do something good for me, I’m self-centered (very much), and it’s on purpose, I’m making sure I don’t get worse by piling things on top that I can’t manage.

I’m making sure I eat well, I exercise, I take walks, and I make me happy. So I’m gonna say no to everything and everyone if it will not help me it some way. And this is okay, I’m investing in myself and my future, to get better and to get stable.

– Camilla

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